Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
