Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
