If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
not ubering you a puppy
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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