My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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