Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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