As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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