I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
