the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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