i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
