I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
