I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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