I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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