yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
