I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize