"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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