the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
