Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize