We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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