I'm sorry my penis didn't work
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
