I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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