he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
