Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
