Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
