You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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