the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
