its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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