But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize