I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
