Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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