The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
