He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
