just come out here and I will go home with you...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
