he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
