I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
