you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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