Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize