I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
