I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
