If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
