update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
