i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
