i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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