How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Ketchup is God's man juice
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
