Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
