All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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