I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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