Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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