it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
