Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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