How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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