its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
