I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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