I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
