don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
