I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
