that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize