P.S. I can't hear my feet
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
not ubering you a puppy
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize