She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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