he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
As shirtless as possible
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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