I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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