New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
