I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
