everyone is single if you try hard enough
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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