I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Terrible idea I love it
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
